I woke up Friday to find two stories in my inbox that make me more convinced than ever that England are going out in the quarterfinals.

First, David Beckham has gone to the media and says he wants a coaching role with England. If England players need advice on hairstyle or tattoos (John Terry, I'm talking to you), Beckham would be a fine choice. What he knows about coaching soccer is unclear.

That Beckham would leak to the media that he's already spoken with manager Fabio Capello about this possibility can only mean one thing: Capelloo told him to stuff it, and now Beckham is appealing to the Great Unwashed to get the FA to force Capello to change heart. What a mess.  

Second, Capello himself has been spouting off about what a disaster the England team was in before he arrived. Well, that's kind of obvious: England failed to qualify for Euro 2008. But Capello's claimed he's fixed the problem.  "I rebuilt England psychologically," Capello said. "I did a lot of talking and laid down the rules. I restored pride to the shirt. I tightened the bolts and imposed seriousness, and we now have a concrete group."

"For me, not arriving in the World Cup final would be a failure," Capello added.

Capello has had a lot of coaching success at the club level. What he doesn't seem to realize is that, in managing a team of superstars, it's unwise to go on about how you've "laid down the rules" and "restored pride to the shirt"—even if it's true. This is especially important if, like Capello, you're a foreigner.

And now, he's set the bar at an appearance in the Grand Final. Good luck with that. England haven't reached the finals in my lifetime, but even a blind squirrel finds the occasional nut.

The game has passed England by. Not at club level, where English teams bring in players to make the EPL arguably the world's best league. Internationally, however, England has had little success since 1966, and then it was only on home soil. Beckham's coaching debut and Capello's preening won't fix that.

Doomed.